We are also behind on answering all kinds of questions. Everyone wants to know what the big Cs are
like, cancer and chemo. The words make
us tremble a bit, don’t they?
So, how does it feel? What’s the plan? How am I?
It’s easier to tell everyone at the same time, so here’s the skinny…
The plan.
Shots, steroids, fluid infusions, lots of meds, and plenty
‘o blood draws.
6 rounds of 4 chemo drugs (two typical breast cancer drugs
and two bonus bags just for me)
1 year of one chemo drug infusions
5 years of a nice little oral chemo med
Another surgery or two.
PT and restorative yoga.
Chemo.
Fun level =zero
Symptoms: fatigue, bone pain, nausea, joint pain, hair loss,
chemo brain (the struggle is real!), skin rashes and weirdness, mouth sores, food
aversion, metal mouth, ringing ears, belly-stay-near a bathroom-craziness, hot
flashes, low energy and tingly, numb fingers and toes.
For the first two rounds, I have felt really bad the first
week-ish, not great the second week, and much more manageable the third
week. I’m extra grateful for the
breather the last few days before each new round.
It’s just generally not so awesome, BUT can be
handled/beaten/survived/fought one day at a time.
Hair.
A few spikes remain, but they‘re headed out fast and
furiously, along with my eyebrows and eyelashes. I’d still rather hide out at home, but I’m a
functioning big girl, even making appearances at restaurants and church. There is a million lessons in it all, and I’m
leaning in to listen and redefine my heart.
How do I feel?
Because I am bound to truth-telling, I must admit I usually
avoid answering this question, or I don’t answer it well. But, I am so deeply
grateful to be cared about. If I answer honestly, it’s hard to sum it all up,
and my brain sometimes takes it as pressure to feel “all better” to make others
feel better.
I’m learning to
accept this as the season that I’m in and am trying not push myself to falsely tidy
it up. I am also working on releasing
myself from “chemo comparison” as people love to tell you how they were sick
for two days after each round and then ran 5Ks.
Isn’t it amazing what we’ll compare?
I am reminding myself that my diagnosis, and chemo regimen, are
unique. It’s like freedom to feel not
great and be honest about it.
Fortunately, for this
round, I am happy to say that I’ve turned the corner and am grateful for some manageable
days until round three. Feeling good has
new value.
I’ve learned this is a full battle of the body, mind and
heart.
..................................................
Though the fun level of chemo and cancer are zero, there are
victories. I’ve counted them at the end
of each and every day since finding a lump in December. What we see as “victories” are different now,
and it’s a really beautiful thing. The
simple things: cooking dinner, not
throwing up, giggling at a movie, planting a flower, or taking a walk now count
as gratitudes.
Since day one, I got a clear message that cancer is
something I beat day by day. I can
handle it for the day, and should avoid too much perusing of the calendar. I’m promised a day’s measure of manna, and
I need to learn to see it as enough.
For each 24 hour cycle, God graciously dispenses all that I need, and
much more. If I look closely enough, there is even something to delight
in. It might be a friend stopping by
with a smile, or things I might have missed before, like a hummingbird
flittering around a feeder or a new flower blooming in the backyard. Noticing is a gift, I’m grateful for the new
eyes.
Like your days, there’s the good, the hard and the
delightful. And taking in just what is
before me is not a bad way to spend a day.
Take that, C words!
In the wilderness He fed you manna which your fathers did not know, that He might humble you and that He might test you, to do good for you in the end. Deuteronomy 8:16
3 comments:
Bone pain is usually from an overdose of Neulasta. They only make it in one (outlandishly expensive) dose, and everybody gets the whole vial injected unless they make a fuss about it. Unless your white counts aren't coming back up to normal quickly, make a fuss! It actually IS possible to just have half or 2/3rds injected. I had some bone pain after my first round, then read up on Neulasta, and insisted on cutting the dose -- no more bone pain at all!
Mouth sores can be banished by keeping your mouth cold with ice water, popsicles, etc. It really works! I was in agony with mouth sores after round one. Started bringing a supply of popsicles with round 2 and never had ANY mouth sores again.
About those tingly fingers and toes, keep them cold during infusions! Ditch your shoes and socks. Bring blue ice packs and use them to keep your fingertips and toes cold. This is serious. Many people end up with long term or even permanent neuropathy in fingers and toes from chemo, and this can totally be avoided by keeping them cold during infusions. It makes your capillaries close up and drastically reduces the amount of chemo poison that collects in your fingers and toes doing nerve damage.
Thank you for being so open and honest, it's why I love reading your posts (and also to see how you are doing). Praying for you and sending hugs.
We LOVE You !!!
Campbell Family
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