Beyond Ourselves: My Gotcha Day Reality

It’s the pinnacle of the adoption journey. We build a beautiful image of what gotcha day will be, and hold hard to that as we wait. Much preparation goes into readiness for caring for the child we’ve seen only in pictures. We study bonding techniques and possible reactions, and pack and repack little backpacks. But as moms can do, we often fail to prepare our own hearts.

On our first gotcha day, I was unprepared for my reaction. Looking back on that sacred moment, I see a brave mask. I smiled, went through the motions and loved on our new little one. Only my husband and I knew about the unexpected bubbled up emotions that spilled over into the day I assumed would be magical.

We’d waited for five years to feel the weight of Claire in our arms, and prayed through a hundred obstacles to bring her home. When adoption day arrived, I was giddy. Until we found ourselves on the steps of the orphanage. Suddenly, I was flooded with a perfect storm of emotions, a smash up of every “feel” that could be felt. My reaction didn’t build gradually. It slammed me with a surprising abruptness.

When ushered into a conference room for our long awaited moment, the decision to adopt suddenly felt ridiculous. I couldn’t fathom why I was stepping out of my going-just-fine life and onto ground beyond my comfort zone borders. The sound of voices was muted by the pounding of my heart. I avoided looking at the camera, as I was busy mapping out an escape route. Giddiness faded to fear.

Finally, with weak knees and trembling hands, I held her tiny self for the first time. And a war began in my head, heart and prayers that would last a few days. I knew she was a gift. I knew I loved her, but inadequacy was shouting, “I CAN’T DO THIS!”

Brave? Beautiful and honorable feelings? Not so much. 

Though we were strangers, Claire and I held onto each other for dear life. Though shaken, we knew it was deeply good. She coped with sleep, and I led my heart, simply doing the next thing before me. We both were fragile, just getting by moment to moment. My guilt was as consuming as my trepidation, as I didn’t think there was space for a mom to be terrified of her child.

But in God’s sovereignty over details, my husband was peaceful, full of faith, and instinctively protective of his girls. While Claire melted safely into her daddy’s arms, I begged my own Father to comfort me. There are moments in this life when a Father’s arms are needed, aren’t there?
Intense panic over the first few days gradually gave way to waves of peace and joy, and eventually my heart righted itself.

Later, I pretended it had been the magical moment I’d planned. Privately, I was embarrassed that my feelings had failed me. My weak and fearful human side flared up and cried panic.

The truth is we fail. We are inadequate. Thankfully, God simply asks us to say yes. In His glorious way, He can work with you and me. Even when we doubt. Even when we want to run away from His grand adventure called adoption and back toward our comfort zones.

Three years later, we were back in China for two more children.

First came Eli, and his “gotcha” was full of joy. This time, I carried the wisdom of experience. The giant step into adoption had already been taken and God had met us out on the water. Eli’s precious little self walked into our lives without any hesitation on his part or mine. Some gotcha moments are magical.

Next, on that same trip, came fragile, feverish, screaming, swatting and terrified Evelyn. And my emotion smash-up returned. The step into complex medical needs sent panic tumbling in again.
Though fainthearted, I went through the motions of traveling from her healing home to her home province, in care of her nanny. My head wanted out, but my heart tentatively knew better. Been there and done that. The night before her nanny released her, I sobbed for her needs and my weakness. Though my faith told a different message, my flesh was holding up a stop sign.

Continue reading over at No Hands But Ours.

Fault Lines (August No Hands But Ours Post)

It takes an earthquake to remind us that we walk on the crust 
of an unfinished earth. ~ Charles Kuralt
At some point in my heart, you became just our little girl. You moved from orphan with a file, to a longed for daughter, to newly adopted, to just a loved girl with an incredible, unfinished redemption story.

But there was a time….
when your world looked monumentally different
when your infant eyes peered into the face of another mother
when your world cracked open, a giant fault line forming between what should have been and what was to be
when you were in the gut-wrenching epicenter of loss, the in-between: no mother, no home, no orphanage, no records, no plan
when you became an orphan in a building filled with orphans
when all you understood of love was a nanny’s care
when meals were tasks on a busy nanny’s list

Then, mercifully, you were somewhere in-between again. On the other side of the world, our family saw your face and recognized you as our own. The label orphan was no longer yours to carry. You didn’t feel it, but your world was trembling again.
Then, there was a time…
when you went on living unaware in Chengdu, China, no idea that a room was being painted pink, papers with your name being pushed, and your photo framed
when you couldn’t fathom the magnitude of love reaching for you from across oceans

Next, in one swift moment, your world cracked open again as your nanny carried you in her arms one last time, making her way to a conference room. A door opened, and your world collided with ours. All of us trembled, knowing life as we knew it was behind us. The earth didn’t shatter, just pieces of our hearts. You sobbed until you could only sleep, somehow knowing that another fault line had formed, a traumatic end and a scary, but hopeful, beginning.     


Then, newly adopted, there was time….
when a hotel room became common ground for tentative smiles and guarded trust
when you boarded a plane bound for the world’s other side, clinging to two almost strangers, toward all things new
when teary eyed strangers at an airport cheered because you’d finally arrived
when your little feet padded through your new home, investigating, but overwhelmed by the stimulation, something missing in institutional life
when you first sat at a family table, binge eating in case the food ran out, an orphan at heart still
when you weren’t sure about sleeping alone without the familiar rumblings of a roomful of other children, the only lullaby you’d ever known
when cleft clinic doctors evaluated your palate and prescribed dental surgery and years of speech therapy
when your pediatrician caught you up on shots and treated orphanage parasites
when you’d plop indiscriminately into the lap of anyone who’d give attention, hungry to fill up your far too empty love tank
when we wondered if you’d ever find your voice, or attach to us as mommy and daddy
 

Continue reading over at No Hands But Ours. 

Celebrating Claire (and Periwinkle!)

Our team had all kinds of fun celebrating Claire Bear's big FIVE! 

 She had breakfast with her daddy, got to take cupcakes to share with friends at supper club,

took cousins to see Frozen with some TinkerBell/Periwinkle gummy goody bags,

and had lots of fun with her teammates.   

 Papa's artwork always makes us smile.  Thank you, Papa!  Thanks, Grandma and Aunt Janie, for covering her two loves: all things Frozen and Periwinkle.   

The big, fat, most awesome of awesomeness was this "Secret of the Wings" cake her cake boss daddio whipped up to fulfill her dream of a "Periwinkle cake".  Mark makes each child a special cake for their birthday and this one did not disappoint.  Claire's only birthday wish was one of her daddy's cakes.  Such a sweet memories, being baked.   

 Here's to five, my girl. Celebrating sweet you was so special to our family. 

We love you much. 

Interview with a 5 Year Old

What is it like to be 5?

You learn how to hula hoop and you know where everything goes. 

 

What does it feel like to be 5?

Good

 

What are you good at?

Tag Readers

What do you like to do? 

play outside

play Anna (from Frozen) with dolls

make cupcakes with mom

 

What do you like to eat?

eggs

tatos

strawberries and fruit and blueberries

I like everyfing.

What is your favorite song?

Frozen dance

 

What will you learn to do when you are five?

math

how to be nice

whatever Sophia's "fings" are

 

Who loves you?

Jesus, God, mommy, daddy, Eli....just everybody.  Everybody loves me. 

 

 

Happy Birthday, Claire Bear

You are light and sweetness, a gift to our family.

Homeschool Pre-K

Going to keep threading on through homeschooling with each of our little learners.  Four, almost five, Claire, is our easiest to school.  She's Pre-K age and obediently completes any task.  She smiles the whole time and LOVES completing each of her baskets. 

My girl is starting to sound out words and is working through her Bob book set. 
At the end of each one, "THE END" is read with a big exclamation point! 
Sometimes we also "row" books from Before Five in a Row. 



As explained here, Claire gets baskets laid out for her each day.  Usually, just 4-5 with a little reading, a little writing, something math and something artsy.  She chooses the order.  Outside of reading books together, these take her around an hour, saving most of the rest of the day for as much playing as she can squeeze in to her awake hours!

Math is usually just IDing or ordering numbers, sorting coins or adding piles of crayons. 



Journaling is one of our favorite dailies.  Her basket always includes her journal, tape, a pencil (She uses these awesome pencils to perfect her grip.) and a big envelope of pictures of fun things we've done. 

She tapes in a picture and then tells me what to write.   At the end, she "reads" it back,  traces and writes a couple of the words and then circles all the sight words she can find.  Both girls have these journals and they are awesome little, keep forever, kind of scrapbooks. 

The most formal thing we do is Handwriting Without Tears. 
I love, love it, and is by far my favorite workbook ever purchased.  We'll be buying more. 

Because our life is full of crazy, we also need some- save momma's sanity- kind of activities.
 Most of these have been holiday gifts,

 like this Melissa and Doug spelling puzzle,

 Tag Readers (Oh, thank you, God, for these!),

 Hot Dots Jr.,

and really good puzzles. (Nope, all our puzzles aren't all educational.  Promise.) 

 If I can't muster up schooling some days, I feel good about pulling out these to "play" with. 

Another DIY is this "How to Draw" binder made with Googled drawing tutorials. 

 When we really are doing school all formal like, Claire works on printable

sight word packs from the 1+1+1=1 blog.   

 Our Ipad has a favorites folder with tons of learning YouTube videos

on rhyming, animals, days of the week, etc. 

 Now, please remember that this is a glossed up look at our school ideals.  Sometimes we watch Sesame Street and call it a day.  I do really love having my girl home.  She did preschool for two years, then we decided to pull her for Pre-K.  Best intentional decision we've made.  It's given us scheduling freedom, easy mornings during a life-changing year, lots of one on one learning together and plenty of time for all kinds of play. 

 

 

Our little Claire Bear might just be the sweetest student ever.  

Cranio Crazies

Our two cleft palate babies visited the craniofacial clinic for an evaluation a few weeks ago. 

A plastic surgeon, dentist, social worker, audiologist and speech pathologist all took their turns evaluating these two crazies. 

We are now medical appointment frequent fliers, so we took it in stride. 

Mark snapped some pics on his phone, and we now have a better idea of how these two cranio crazies are progressing. 

The awesome news?  Their palates look great!  No palate surgery for either. This was just a check-up for Claire, but we weren't sure about the little dude.  Can I get a hallelujah?  Good news is good, real good.

 

Expected news?  Dental surgery for both.  Anesthesia here they come. 

 

So grateful for these two gifts, their stories and their smiles.  

Kickin' It

Dear Claire,

 

Alright, alright.  We guess you can be a big girl. 

Shin pads and a jersey make it official.

We are proud of you, little one. 

 There is just something about seeing you go from the sidelines to your first team. 

We'll admit, you and "The Lightening Bugs" have some rules to learn and some technique to polish.

Those things will come.  For now, we say soak up soccer Saturdays, water breaks, cheering mommas, chilly practices on fall nights, "kicking around" with daddy and taking new ground in this life. 

So keep kicking, my girl.  You got this. 

 

Love your button sporting biggest fans,

Mommy and Daddy

 

Blessings Quilt

 

134 sweet blessing squares from friends and family. 

We're still in awe of this years later. 

When we were in the adoption process for Claire, we asked friends to send a quilt square to make a "100 Good Wishes" quilt for her.  Her amazing Mamaw sewed it all together by hand. 

 

In our last house, the quilt hung on the back of a rocker in her room. 

Her new room gave us the opportunity to display this quilt like the work of art and love that it is. 

While here a few weeks ago, Mamaw made the quilt ready to hang.  Little miss Claire Bear was beside herself with joy as it was being hung. 

 

Adoption has blessed us again and again and again, and this quilt is a beautiful reminder of that.  A piece of a long passed grandfather's shirt, a square from a grandmother's apron, Asian patterns, Irish shamrocks, ladybugs and so many other pieces carefully chosen.  May it always remind Claire of the gift she is to us, and how we loved her long before we had her in our arms. 

 

Celebrating Preschool

Last month, Claire celebrated the end of another year of preschool. 
Her cousin & BFF, Molly, schooled with her, so it was an extra special time. 

We are grateful to her kind and gentle teachers for teaching her, leading her and loving on her. 

They ended it all with a beach party, complete with balloons, beach buckets, new shades, a picnic with friends and crazy incredible cupcakes (thankfully made by someone else-holy cow!!!). 

 We've really liked her sweet school and been so grateful for great teachers.  She's learned and grown so much.  Next year though, our girl will do Pre-K at home just as her big sissy did.

 

 Our desire is to keep things simple as a family and to invest in childhood.  She has one more precious year before her schooling starts, and we want to take day trips, sit in the floor at the library, read books under blankets, count flowers, do messy art, bake muffins, and have plenty of open spaces of time to bond with new siblings. 

 

 

Bonus perk?  Goodbye to three days of carpool!

Muffins for Moms

I love muffins, but I especially love muffins shared with this sweet one. 

On Mother's Day, Claire's preschool class hosted all the moms.

We munched on muffins while being serenaded with "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "Baby Bumblebee". 

Claire and her ladybug BFF were all kinds of precious. 

This proud momma cherished every moment of the gift of this sweet morning. 

Claire was blessed with a kind and gentle preschool teacher this year,

and she got to experience it all with her favorite pal in all the world. 

Such a special morning. 

Birthday Girl

Our new four year old is about as sweet as she can be,

so we wanted to be sure her birthday was special.   

When she woke up on her big day,

she found a bike in her room!

Her family gave her fun-have fun in your new backyard-gifts.

Later that night, we had such fun partying with the birthday girl. 

We'd JUST moved in, but 4 must be celebrated,

so we did a little decorating and invited over some friends for a cookout, Minnie Mouse style.   

We love us some birthdays!