Breast Cancer Chronicles

"And I find myself down on my knees again,
caught up in grace like an avalanche."  –Hillsong United

Looks like it’s time to spill some words again.  We are so deeply grateful for those who are continuously praying over us and checking in to ask how I am, what's going on, and how to pray.  I'm still not keeping up well, so here’s the skinny, brave socks and all.

..............................................

Victories:

-We are caught up in grace like an avalanche from our village, which has kept the bravery meter high.

-The Lord has spoken very, very clearly in multiple big and small details. 

-I’ve learned enough from our medical experiences to advocate for myself and my kids, and I had one extra hard appointment with a plastic surgeon that produced heavy tears, so we switched up who I’ll use!   It’s a girl fight after all, and we now carefully select who joins the team.

-I’ve been given a little window of rest from heavy appointments.  

..............................................

Prayer Requests

-That we’ll take this little gift of fewer appointments and live day to day counting it all joy.

-That we’ll never allow fear to make decisions, and that I don’t allow doubt to creep in, as I have some choices in my treatment.    

-Surgery will be March 14^th

-Pray for Drew, a little seven year old friend who’s fighting the big C and a related blood clot.   

-Pray for someone else we love very much who just got a hard diagnosis and treatment plan. 

..............................................

After a flurry of endless appointments and tests, we finally know as much as we can know.   Once again with diagrams and lab results, we sat knee to knee with my specialist and discussed options.  In my bent toward productivity mind, I wanted to “tidy this up” and “get past it” by summer, so I was ready to schedule the next thing immediately. 

As much as I adore my surgeon, she can only explain to me what she can see right now from pathology and pictures.  She can’t make promises about the activity of cells that are multiplying, or a body that has had some unusual reactions and has also allowed growth of tumors for some explainable reason.   She eliminated the option I was hoping for, so, weighing the factors, I chose a type of surgery that couldn’t be scheduled until March 14^th, due to the scheduling of three surgeons that many fellow breast cancer warriors want to use.  

As I sat high on the exam table wearing my lovely, paper towel like covering, the date hit me hard, but I could only say we’d add it to our calendar .   How do you make these decisions after being shown diagrams that make the room swirl around a bit?  My human reaction is fear and doubt.  What if I made the wrong decision?  What if we are pushing prognosis limits by waiting?   Should I choose an “easier” route that could take place right away?   I was nodding and smiling, but mentally pulling out the plates and cups for a royal pity party. 

But then came the Lord’s gentle reminder to once again look more deeply, to expect that He has something in it, either for me or for His glory.  Thankfully, this one didn’t take too long to figure out.  I was given almost a month to rest, write, process and play, and I’ll take it.  After a whirlwind month heavy with appointments, I have only a handful.  So, I’m putting the pity party streamers back in the cabinet and choosing gratitude. 

Once again for this team, being brave looks like waiting.  What will I do while we wait?  I’ll snuggle my littles, date my husband, turn music up loud, flip through sight word flash cards, take lots of naps, exercise, color and try hard to eat healthy food (dark chocolate being the obvious exception).  As much as I want to hover behind tomorrow goggles, I am going to work at seeing my days through right now eyes.  I am going to be a right now mom and a right now wife, because today is my right now life. 

In His sweetness, God whispered a remembrance of an article I had written last year, just after one of Evie’s surgeries, when I was struggling with this same urge to reach for tomorrow heavy with worry.   In, “Let Tomorrow Be Tomorrow”, I wrote,

“I think God is a fan of today, designing each with intention. I think He wants us to engage ourselves in each 24 hours, fully in, gathering the day’s manna, and listening for His voice. He’s been whisper shouting that my whole life. But I still tend to reach for tomorrow, longing for it and worrying over it.”

How quickly I forget this when each new storm brews.  But I remember now, and am going gather up some of the bounty of today. 

So again I say, see ya tomorrow, tomorrow.

Courage, dear hearts.  I'm so grateful for all of you.