I Hid it Well

 I hid it well.  As I look back on photos of our "family day" in China, I see the mask of a brave face.

  A wise and gentle friend always encourages me to share the tough stuff. Throughout our adoption journey, I have followed many adoption blogs.  The ones that encouraged me the most, were the ones that were raw and real. A blog pal just blogged about the panic that she felt on referral day.  I know her vulnerability will help someone out there be more prepared.   Now, it is our turn. 

We mostly post shiny happy family pics on our blog, but we occasionally must throw in some reality.  You have flooded us with your kind words of encouragement, but you must know that it was faith alone that carried us through our adoption trip.  We are not brave or extra compassionate as you suggest.  We are just ordinary folks trying hard to build our family and live our lives in a way that is pleasing to God.  We believe that orphans are close to His heart. 

We have been blessed by this adoption process.  We wish it wasn't so, but some of the hardest parts have resulted in the biggest blessings.   The most frightening day for me was Claire day.  For most families, it is the highlight of the journey.  The mountaintop experience.  For me, it was a day of extreme fear. 

This is a photo of me minutes before being handed Claire.  I wish I could say that I was brave, faithful and ready.  The reality?  I was terrified...as in panic level  scared.  As people came in and out with papers to sign, I could hardly hear them over my pounding heart.  I avoided looking at the camera, as my mind was trying to map out an escape route.  Brave?  Beautiful and honorable feelings?  Not so much.  

And then, unexpectedly, a woman walked in with the daughter we had longed for, waited for, prayed for and loved.  Our shaky hands held her tiny body for the first time.    My heart burst with joy, but in my head, I was still screaming, "I CAN'T DO THIS!" 

I kissed her and hugged her, but felt completely inadequate to be her mother.  We both were fragile. Just getting by moment to moment. I shouted silent prayers to God, begging Him for strength.

Mark? He was truly at peace. Strong, brave and full of faith. Instantly protective of us both. I think Claire sensed that, and just melted in his arms. We all need a father, don't we?

Though we were strangers, Claire and I held onto each other for dear life.  In those first moments, both of us became new.  Never again could we go back to before.  As scared as we both were, we knew it was good.  Terrifying, but deeply good. 

The first few days were more of the same.  Moments of intense fear, that gradually gave way to peace and joy.  As we watched our daughter blossom before us, my heart started to break for her and for the life she had lived.  In my heart, I became her mother. 

 Once again, I had to completely surrender any belief that I can handle this parenting gig on my own.  No adoption buddies or adoption book could get me through it.  God alone.  Moment to moment.  

The beauty of it?  He got me through.  And I am better for being taken to a place of such extreme vulnerability.   

And now, we are home, bonding and more in love every day.  Unlike many others, my hardest bonding moments were in China.  Back at home things seem more right.  Not normal quite yet, but right.  She is our daughter, just as Sophia is.  

We know this to be true.  Adoption is a blessing.  A "rock your world" kind of blessing.  It is impossible to go through it and not be molded into someone new.

(We were "logged in" to get Claire four years ago today.)